david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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