Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
