I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
