the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.đź’¨
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
