We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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