he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
