Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
