I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
