I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
