I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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