By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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