so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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