Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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