i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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