I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
