i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
