the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
