So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Randomize
