I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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