I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
