So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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