i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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