Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
