Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
