I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
