im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I didn't notice because vodka
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
