Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
