Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
