i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
