We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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