I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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