I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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