I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This is my gift to your gina
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
