I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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