he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
