Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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