brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
