So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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