I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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