she was so not down for the gang bang
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
