I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
