his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
