someone threw a dead crab at me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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