We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
