We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
