Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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