I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
