those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
