dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
