she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
