I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Randomize
